How Strong is Your Teen?

I have always believed in the young people that I work with. Even when working in a juvenile detention center with teens who had been caught smuggling drugs across the border, I recognized that their circumstances had put them in a difficult situation that someone of that age should never have to deal with. But in these cases and in most others, I always thought that all that these young people needed was to learn and use the right skills in order to turn things around. With a steady dose of commitment, a positive attitude and an openness to feedback these challenging cases could turn themselves around. What I failed to see was that instead of believing that something outside of these teens needed to be put in, the answer might lie in bringing the right things out. And then I began learning about strengths-based education.

Jumping on the coat-tails of the mindset revolution, I was initially skeptical about an approach that proclaimed we all have certain strengths that we should focus on to be successful. This sounded too much like another personality assessment that told us which box to fit ourselves into. But the idea behind strengths-finding is not to label people, but to change the way we see people. It has become natural for educators, parents and bystanders to observe challenging youth and decide what is wrong with them. He has no drive. She is a trouble-maker. He just isn’t smart enough. And of course these young people know very well what all these adults are saying. So it’s no surprise how that self-fulfilling prophecy plays out.

So instead the strengths approach says let’s take a look at what these young people ARE good at and see if we can find more ways for them to do those things in daily life. After learning more about the 24 strengths, young people can find out what they should do more of to thrive and understand why they might be challenged in other situations. But it isn’t just a crutch people can lean on to blame poor behavior. “Sorry I stole that, I just don’t have honesty as a virtue.” Instead each of them acts as a knob on a stereo. Sometimes we might need to turn one up in a situation, other times we might need to turn one down. It’s like a DJ booth for your character.

While the jury is still out on the long-term effects of using these strengths as a basis for educational policy, there is ample research to suggest that including them creates significant results. But the biggest difference I have seen in observing teachers that have learned about the strengths is that instead of hearing things like, “He just can’t take anything seriously,” I instead hear, “It is obvious he is very strong in humor and it creates a lot of positive energy, but I wonder if we can get him to turn it down in some situations.” Focusing on strengths gives youth a sense of pride and control over who they are, and gives educators a tool to look for the good in students and use that to move them in a positive direction.

So when Dane is a teenager and it seems like all he is good at is driving us crazy, I am going to take a closer look and find out what strengths he is using to be so irritating. And then I am going to acknowledge that strength because I know that if he gets a chance to use his strengths to contribute to the world, what was once annoying might one day change the world.

The Mark of a Father

Last weekend I went to a conference called Landmark Forum in an attempt to gain some insight about other personal development programs available to teenagers. What I left with were some insights about myself that have the potential to significantly impact my role as a husband and father. On paper I didn’t necessarily learn anything new (the woman running the workshop even went so far as to say, “This is the best nothing you will ever learn”), but the way it was packaged and delivered made it easy to digest. And what made all the difference was that we were encouraged at every opportunity to take action on what we had learned by making phone calls to clean up messes or create new possibilities for the future. And from my limited experience new possibilities are a crucial element of successful fatherhood.

One major theme from the workshop was the idea that we make up most of our lives. In other words, things happen and we interpret them, and the interpretation carries significant weight even though it is often misguided and sometimes downright wrong. Like when our baby is crying and we are convinced that he is doing so because he knows other people are around and he wants to embarrass us. Or when our wife smiles politely while we fumble around trying to change a diaper and we are sure that she is judging us for being incompetent. While it is clear that making meaning is natural and can even be beneficial, we often end up spending a lot of time and emotion on things that we have absolutely no evidence for.

On the flip side, another focus of the conference was how we listen to others. The main point was that we have a tendency to listen to others through a certain filter, one which we believe will give us the most benefit (being right, justifying our actions, etc). However, what is missed is that these filters come at a great cost to our relationships. Considering that people speak at about 125 words per minute and we can process about 400 words per minute, that leaves the brain a lot of downtime to interpret what we hear and formulate responses based on these interpretations. Unfortunately we get so absorbed with that process that we actually only remember between 25 and 50 percent of what we hear. So next time you are listening to someone who is talking to you about parenthood, listen to understand instead of just waiting for your turn to talk.

But one of the biggest lessons I learned at the workshop was about integrity. I know how important it is already. It is lauded in business, well-documented in our heroes, and required for a healthy and fulfilling life. But what I took from the workshop is that it is really the only thing we have total and complete control over. Just like us, others make their own meaning and listen with their own filters. So we can’t control how others will interpret what we say and do. But we can make sure to be true to ourselves, live out of values, and play by the rules. And if we can manage to do that, parenting stops being a responsibility and starts to be an opportunity.

But at the end of the weekend, the most important thing I learned is to take action. I can’t tell you how many conferences and workshops I have been to where I learn a lot and feel inspired, but then I go back to my day-to-day life and nothing changes. This workshop got the action started during the weekend so that I have no excuse not to keep it going. And after a little over a year of fatherhood, I am convinced that what I do is a lot more important than what I say, so it’s time to get to work.

A High-5 a Day…

We are in the last stages of winter here in Denmark, which means we are coming to the end of the sick season. As a new parent, I read about and was warned of the revolving door of germs and disease that would permeate our lives for the foreseeable future. But as much as we might have prepared ourselves for it, we were still completely overwhelmed by the repercussions. After battling through breast infections and baby IVs early on, we had a bit of a break before being hit with the trifecta. That means Dane started day care, it was the middle of the winter, and we were foreigners fighting foreign strands of diseases. We got hit, and hit hard. And what does all this have to do with being a positive parent? Well, if you are going to be battered from the outside by germs and viruses, you might as well arm yourself on the inside as best you can.

I have always been a strong proponent of mind over matter when it comes to illness. Any time I started getting any symptoms of sickness, I would simply ignore it and go about my life as normal. And most of the time the symptoms went away soon after. And it turns out there is something to this, as research does suggest that we can think ourselves healthy. This seems to work in reverse as well, with conditions such as stress and depression have a significant impact on physical health.

This all seems to suggest that our mood and state of mind are actually quite influential when it comes to our health. And more and more research is pouring in to support this claim. Without knowing precisely what is happening to the body, it seems that a positive affect significantly contributes to a healthy life. And if you want somewhere to start, try out optimism. It will cut your risk of heart disease in half. These findings are so significant that they might even lead to “happiness” policies. Our vision at the company I work for is to have personal and social competence as a part of basic education. It seems that the health care industry should be onboard for such an initiative.

But wait, eating junk food and smoking crack usually makes people happy. So all we have to do is binge on sugar and drugs to be healthy? Not quite. The research has also found that while eudaimonic happiness – the kind that comes from having purpose and feeling connected – helps people fight illness, hedonic happiness – the food and drugs kind – doesn’t have the same power. Neither, ironically, does playing on Facebook. Studies suggest that regular social media use actually lowers self-esteem and overall well-being.

So as Liesl and Dane have suffered through numerous illnesses lately while I have stayed relatively unscathed, does that mean I am just happier than they are? Of course not. As significant as these findings are, we can’t ignore the physiological factors that influence illness. But as I have taken on extra responsibilities to take care of my sick family, I have tried to do so with a positive attitude and an optimistic outlook on the situation. And it seems that such an approach can only help.

You’re Too Quiet to be Happy

As Dane approaches his one-year birthday, we have already started predicting what kind of person he will be. “He loves to turn the pages of his books; he’s going to be such a reader.” “With that serious face of his he is bound to be a hopeless romantic.” But one trait that I am most curious about – one that will have as great an influence on him as his gender, race, and sexual orientation – is whether he will be an introvert or an extrovert. It has partially been on my mind as I finish the book Quiet by Susan Cain, and it was made even more prominent by recently watching the movie The Way, Way Back. It seems that the topic is on the forefront of many minds these days, and with good reason.

The book’s premise is that introverts often get lost in a society that is dominated by, and thus caters to, an extrovert ideal. This encompasses everything from businesses prioritizing assuredness over certainty to schools being run with an emphasis on group work and collaboration. While these ideas might not seem dangerous on the surface, they often force introverts to the fringe of society or even worse, lead them to conform to their extroverted surroundings. And with 1/3 to 1/2 of the population being comprised of introverts, this is an awful lot of people to be ostracizing.

Meanwhile, in the work that I do with teenagers we are constantly engaged in debates about how to develop the personal and social competencies of our introverted participants. While the research has proven that traits like optimism and empathy are crucial to a fulfilling future, how do you build such qualities in someone who prefers to be alone with a good book? We spend a lot of time encouraging participants to step outside of their comfort zone, but this usually results in introverts acting like extroverts, often with disastrous results.

What many people fail to realize, however, is that some of the most successful people were actually introverts. This includes more obvious candidates such as Albert Einstein and Steve Wozniak (co-founder of Apple with the other Steve), but also people often in the spotlight like Abraham Lincoln and Barbara Streisand. And what these people possess that allowed them to rise through the ranks of a very social world is an undying persistence towards things they care about. So if you have an introverted son or daughter that has a particular passion or hobby, encourage it enthusiastically. And if you are worried about whether he or she is happy, just remember that being an extrovert means that everyone else in the world has a lot of influence on your happiness, while with an introvert you only have to worry about one person – you.

So as I consider whether Dane will turn out to be an introvert or an extrovert, I don’t worry about the result as much as what we are going to do with it. Because whether we spend time hosting all his friends at our place or talking about the last model car he built, we are going to love him just the same. And we will make sure to deliver that message loud and clear.

Give Your Kid Some Color

They were the only colored faces in a sea of white. Five Middle Eastern boys in a room full of Danish teenagers. But it wasn’t as if they were evenly distributed throughout the room. No, they sat in one corner huddled together, every time. As if they wanted all of us to remember that they were different. I was working at one of the life skills camps that my company puts on, and we had accepted five participants that were sponsored by their local municipality. Not only did they look different, but they acted different too. And their local government hoped that our program would help them to find their place. They left after 1.5 days of the 5-day program. And they left together, as a group.

We flock to those who are most similar to us. It is true now and it has always been this way. For a long time this was a result of distance and language barriers, but as these hinderances have faded there is still stark evidence that we tend to stick to our own. This isn’t to say that people are afraid to interact with people of other ethnicities. America is one of the shining examples of the willingness to coexist across racial lines. But when you walk in to most American schools, malls and restaurants, you quickly realize that while diversity exists, it is usually sitting at a different table.

On the surface this seems fairly intuitive and somewhat harmless. As long as we respect each other, that doesn’t mean we have to hang out with each other, right? Well, it depends on what kind of society we want to have. First of all, there is a reason those five boys were sent to our program in the first place. It is difficult to be a minority in any culture, and these negative effects create serious societal consequences. When these minorities stay segregated, the poverty, crime and inequality is a drain not only on that community, but it is costly to society as a whole.

On the other hand, the gift of diversity is one that keeps on giving if we only choose to open it. Consider yourself lucky if your son or daughter goes to a diverse school. It will only help to enrich the educational environment. And if they spend time with people of other races? Then they are on a path to personal growth and open-mindedness. Is it the worst thing in the world if your child only hangs out with people just like him or her? Of course not. And it will probably happen a lot. But the more they can be encouraged to branch out and interact with people of other cultures, the better they, and the world, will be.

When that group of five boys left, everything got easier for us at the camp. The small group activities were less disrupted. The large group conversations were more fluid. But easier doesn’t always mean better. There was a spark that also left when those boys walked out the door, and it was never the same again. So I hope they find their place someday, not only for their own sake but for ours as well.

Teenagers are Changing the World

I am a bit late with this post because I have spent the past two weeks working with teenagers at my company’s summer programs. We run 5-day camps that focus on personal and social development. And while we do the programs all year round, my favorite ones are the two that I just did. One is a program that is sponsored by the LEGO company in which they fly in children of their employees from around the world to spend a week with us in addition to touring the LEGO facility and going to LEGOLand. Then the other is our 3rd level program, which is for teens who have been to our programs a couple of times before and has a focus on leadership. And it is in these two weeks that I feel that we are closest to making a real difference in the world.

The LEGO camp is an incredible opportunity for teenagers from around the world to come together and learn how to be their best. With participants from Mexico, China and everywhere in between coming together for an all-English program (which is a major challenge for many of them), what seems like a disaster waiting to happen turns into the most incredible environment for learning and connection. These teens, with their blind enthusiasm for connection, conveniently ignore the challenges of social and language barriers. And when they are placed in an environment where optimism and communication are taught and praised, it only further solidifies their desire to connect and share. It is obvious that embracing diversity at this age has lasting benefits for the individual and the community as a whole.

The leadership camp is a place where teens can feel empowered to actual influence their world. Many participants in our programs love coming because it makes them feel good and they like connecting with the other participants. But by our third and final level, we let them know that after this they won’t be able to come to us for these feelings anymore but instead will have to create it for themselves. And nothing motivates a young person like the promise of social cohesion. So we spend a week teaching them about leadership and giving them leadership opportunities. And within this safe and structured environment we create, these teens see that it is not only possible for them to be leaders in their community, but it can actually be fun. And with these key ingredients of confidence combined with successful experiences, a youth leader is born.

I love working with teenagers. I love seeing the potential in them, and even better helping them see that potential. And when that can be used to show them how amazing the world around them really is or that they can actually do something to make it even better, that is when we start to change the world.